


Ghosts of Cigarettes Past

by TinCanTelephone



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: (Mild I promise), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Caretaking, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Sickfic, specifically the Montreal AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 20:17:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19236352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinCanTelephone/pseuds/TinCanTelephone
Summary: Jyn and Cassian endeavor to keep their relationship together after reconciliation, trying not to let old arguments and fights of the past come back to infect the present.





	Ghosts of Cigarettes Past

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [something here inside](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11775498) by [ephemera (incognitajones)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/incognitajones/pseuds/ephemera). 



> Soooo I was bored and stuck like… last october and banged out a thousand or so words of fanfiction-of-fanfiction for IncognitaJones's brilliant Montreal AU (see "inspired by"), thinking I'd never post it
> 
> THEN i made the mistake of chatting about it to [Giddy](https://thegiddyowl.tumblr.com/) and got an idea and now like six months later it's a massive 9k fic of _completely_ self-indulgent h/c and fluff. Also you have her to thank for its quality as an extremely patient beta
> 
> Which is to say– I regret nothing :P Enjoy
> 
>  
> 
> Update: [@plays-with-shadows](https://plays-with-shadows.tumblr.com/) drew [the LOVELIEST piece](https://plays-with-shadows.tumblr.com/post/185915139682/jyn-on-the-phone-with-galen-inspired-by) based on this fic, and you should definitely check it out :) <3

There was no snow on the ground (yet), but a frigid wind had been blowing off the St. Lawrence all day, whipping around buildings and gusting through the streets. The temperature gauge outside the kitchen window was reading well into the negatives as Jyn paced back and forth through the living room, phone pressed to her ear and trying to hear her father speak in rapid Danish over the rattling of the window panes.

“No, there’s no snow yet. My flight wasn’t canceled, Cassian’s– Yes, I told you last month we’re back together. Anyway–”

…

“Yeah, it’s going fine. Great, actually. I don’t think I’ll renew my lease in a few months. _Anyway_ , I was saying my flight’s still on time, I just decided not to go. Cassian got sick and I have to–”

…

“No– No, Papa, you don’t have to do that. He’s fine. I mean–.” She slumped onto the sofa and pulled the elastic out of her hair, fiddling with greasy strands next to her face as she listened. “Yeah, I mean, we were in the ED last night– _no_ , I told you, he’s fine, everything’s fine. Well, he has pneumonia but besides that, everything’s fine.”

…

“No, it’s– he had bronchitis last week and it was– well, he was doing okay, but yesterday evening he had a really high fever so I dragged him to the hospital and that’s where… yeah. Yeah.” Her fingers came away from her hair slick and shiny, and she grimaced. It had been too long since her last shower, but in her defense the last few days had been… stressful. “Yeah, no, they didn’t admit him, he just got antibiotics and an inhaler.”

…

She huffed. “Yeah, he hates it.”

…

“Yes, I’m making sure he uses it.” She took the phone away from her ear for a second, tilting her head towards the bedroom, which had been quiet for a while.

Her father kept talking.

She reddened. “I know, I’ve told him before. Too many times, probably.” _This is what you get for smoking all those years_. “I can’t help it.” She lowered her voice. “He sounds like Saw did, sometimes.”

His voice turned soft and sympathetic and she pressed her fingers into her eyelids to push back the wetness. God, she must be sleep deprived. She should _not_ be this emotional at barely 19:00.

“So yeah,” she said. “I decided not to fly out. I need to stay here and take care of him.”

…

“Yeah, yeah I’ll call. Love you.”

“ _Jeg elsker også dig._ ”

Jyn hung up and took a deep breath, tilting her head back on the couch and trying to regain some control. Cassian was _fine_ , or he would be fine, soon. And she would be here to make sure of it. But she couldn’t cry in front of him, that would only make him worry and he should be focused on getting better.

There was a faint sound from the bedroom and her eyes snapped to the door.

It fell silent again, but she pushed off the sofa anyway and padded across the living room. She eased the door open and waited for her eyes to adjust to the light. She could see Cassian was awake, shifting restlessly under the duvet.

“Hey.” She slipped inside, closing the door behind her and sitting on the bed next to his knees.

“Hey,” he whispered. In the dim light filtering through the blinds, she could see his eyes were mostly closed, and the red fever flush still on his cheeks. His hair fell limp around his temples in shiny strings. He needed a wash as much as she did, and the steam would probably do him good, but perhaps that was a project for tomorrow.

“How are you feeling?” she said, running her fingers softly over his hot forehead and to the back of his neck.

He inhaled to answer, but fell into a choked coughing fit.

She sighed and rubbed his back. He was curled on his side toward her, and his body jerked forward with every cough. His lungs still sounded painfully tight, and full of thick mucus that always seemed to return no matter how much he coughed up.

“Oh, Cass.” She kept a hand on his back after it was over, and held a tissue to his lips so he could spit into it.

“I heard you in the living room,” he said.

She sighed. “Please don’t worry about it. Just focus on resting and getting better.”

He shifted to lie on his back, and she helped prop him up on three pillows so he could breathe. “You didn’t have to cancel your trip.”

“Yes, I did. You can barely sit up.”

“Kay could’ve taken care of me,” he said. “Or Baze and Chirrut.”

“I suppose…”

He gave a weak approximation of a smirk. “You don’t think so?”

Jyn crossed her arms. “No, I think they _could_.” They might even do a better job than her, fumbling her way through doctors’ recommendations, prescription slips, and internet searches. “But…” She tried to relax, reaching out to run a hand over his shoulder and chest. “I want to be here.”

His lips twitched up, parted slightly because he couldn’t breathe through his nose, and bleeding where the skin had dried out and cracked. “Really?”

She found his hand and interlaced their fingers. “Really.” She chewed her lower lip, thinking about what he might’ve heard earlier. _He sounds like Saw sometimes_. “Cass…”

“It’s okay.”

“You didn’t let me finish.”

“I know what you meant.”

“You do?”

“And I… I understand,” he said. He wrinkled his nose and tried to sniff, but started coughing again instead.

She helped him sit up all the way, so he could lean forward and everything that needed to could come out.

He spit into a tissue and grimaced. “It’s like the ghosts of cigarettes past,” he muttered. “Coming back to haunt me.”

Jyn pressed her lips together and pulled the blankets back up before he could start shivering. It wasn’t right for him to think he deserved this. She swallowed against the awful feeling of guilt sitting in her stomach that had been there ever since he first got sick. This used to be something she’d throw at him during arguments– how smoking damaged his immune system and made him prone to infection.

He shuffled closer to her, his nose almost touching her hip, and she winced at the wheeze on every inhale.

One hand on his shoulder, she leaned over for the box on the bedside table. “Come on, Cassian.” She held out the inhaler.

He closed his eyes and shook his head.

“It’ll make you feel better.”

“Tastes like shit.”

“I’ll get you a lollipop for after,” she said. “Strawberry, your favorite.”

“…Okay.” He let her shake the inhaler and took a hit.

“Good job.” She ruffled his hair and almost smiled.

He grunted and rolled his eyes as she pushed off the bed to the kitchen and the stash of lollipops he kept in the pantry.

The almost-smile faded quickly as she opened the bucket. He kept these around to help with cravings, she’d come over before to find his living room covered in plastic wrappers, dozens of sticks in the trash when he was working under a deadline.

The wave of guilt hit her again and she had to pause outside the bedroom door to collect herself. _No crying, Jyn_ . She squared her shoulders. _Not now_.

“You’re still wheezing,” she murmured, sitting next to him again. Did that stupid inhaler even do anything?

“The doctor said it might take a while to work.” He rolled his tongue around the lollipop, trying not to wince as he swallowed.

“Mm.” She slid down and gently pulled his head into her shoulder. She thought she kept her face neutral, but Cassian reached up and rested a warm hand on her collarbone.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m fine.” She put her hand over his.

“I’ll be okay, you know,” he said softly.

“I know.” And she couldn’t help it– she was just so tired, and it was so hard to see him like this, she squeezed her eyes closed and resigned herself to letting hot tears fall over her cheeks, soaking into the pillow and her hair.

She braced herself for Cassian’s reaction, for the anxious worry that would creep into his voice and for him to forget about sleeping, put his own rest aside and insist on listening to her fears, but he didn’t.

Maybe he was too tired, or maybe they both knew there was nothing to be said that hadn’t been said before, during an argument, or in bed, or during one of the many, many serious conversations they’d had since rekindling their relationship that night on the rooftop bar.

He just relaxed further into her, and she relished the solid, comforting weight of him and gently brought her arms around his back.

 _He’ll be okay_ , she thought, letting her fingers brush over the nape of his neck. _We’ll be okay._

 

* * *

 

Honestly, Cassian almost didn’t notice the cough when it started. He was running up against a deadline for a big contract job, which meant long hours hunched over his computer in his apartment or in the cafe down the street. He didn’t see Jyn for a day or two while she gave him time to work without distractions, but she came around eventually, letting herself in with the key he’d given her and picking her way around the mess of his living room.

“How’re you doing?” she said, kicking off her shoes and beginning to gather up the lollipop wrappers scattered on the coffee table. “Almost done?”

“Getting there.” He cleared his throat and rolled the current sucker (cherry) over his tongue.

Jyn paused and gave him a stern once-over. “Are you sure you can’t take a break?”

“…Nope.” He could barely tear his eyes away from the screen. He was so close he could _feel it_. He couldn’t stop and lose momentum.

The lollipop wrappers crunched in her hand. “Not even for dinner?”

“I ate dinner.” He was pretty sure he had, anyway. He definitely ate something at some point.

“What was it?”

He shrugged and rubbed his nose. “I reheated something.”

She sighed and went into the kitchen, where he heard her digging through the fridge. “Jesus, is there anything in here not expired?”

“Sorry, I–” He cleared his throat again. “Sorry, I’ll restock tomorrow evening, after this is finalized.”

Jyn peered at him over the kitchen pass-through. “Are you getting sick?”

“What? No.” He swallowed and winced, suddenly aware of the burn in the back of his throat. “I don’t think so.” It was probably just from all the sugar in the lollipops.

Her eyes narrowed, but then she relented and went back to the door for her jacket. “I’m running out to the dép for some food. You can’t run on candy all night.”

He finally looked up at that, and took the lollipop out of his mouth. “Thank you, Jyn.”

She gave him a faint smile. “Thank me by eating it and getting some rest tonight.”

 

He tried, he really did. He forced himself to close his laptop and got to bed before 3 a.m., but had a hard time falling asleep. The pain in his throat didn’t fade after he brushed his teeth and drank some water, and he realized with a sinking feeling that Jyn was probably right.

The next day brought a runny nose, a dry cough, and no relief for his throat, so he dug some tissues and lozenges out of his medicine cabinet and buckled down to finish this project before he ran out of energy. He could deal with a stupid cold later.

Even though he never texted her, Jyn came over that evening with cans of soup, more tissues, and cold medicine.

He thanked her, and had the decency not to hide how rough he was feeling. Most of him very much appreciated the gesture, especially when it came to the ginger tea with lemon and honey, but there was a small part (the resentful, petty part) that wished she hadn’t bothered.

They always fought when he was sick. It triggered all of Jyn’s horrible memories and fears from her godfather’s illness and death, and she alternately worried to the point of smothering and berated him over not taking care of his health. He understood, or tried to. But it was Goddamn difficult when he already felt miserable and she wouldn’t leave it alone.

The last time he’d been ill was towards the end of their first time together. Several days of tension and bickering had eventually led to a screaming match that ended in him throwing her out of his apartment, leaving him to recover from the flu on his own.

Remembering it made his head hurt all over again. Or maybe that was the present congestion. He blinked and tried to refocus. His mind was getting hazy, which wasn’t a good sign. But he was almost done (truly, this time), and somehow found the energy to finish and turn the project over to his boss before slumping over on the couch.

His eyes felt itchy and watery, falling half-closed without his permission as he finally relaxed. Which unfortunately gave him the chance to appreciate how truly shitty he felt. His head was pounding in time to his heart, and he could already tell curling up on his side wasn’t good for the crap collecting in his chest.

He heard Jyn approach from the kitchen and cracked an eye open.

“Hey.” She set two bowls of soup on the coffee table. “Are you up for eating or do you just want to go to bed?”

“Mm… I’ll eat.” He wasn’t terribly hungry, but he probably needed something in his stomach to fight this, and the liquid would feel good on his throat.

“Alright.” She held out her hand to help him sit up, then rubbed his back through a coughing fit.

He felt her hand drop when it was over and immediately missed it, but was afraid to make eye contact as he picked up his soup bowl.

“Want to watch something?” She picked up the remote and pulled up Netflix.

“Sure.”

She chose something they’d both already seen, and watched in almost companionable silence. Cassian felt the tension start to slip away, and halfway through the second episode felt his eyes begin to droop. Jyn’s fingers came up to card through his hair, and he let his head fall onto her shoulder.

She humored him for a little bit, then gently nudged him up and put him to bed. To his mild surprise, after cleaning up the dishes in the kitchen and living room, she came back and joined him. If he’d had more energy, he might’ve shifted closer to her warmth, but as it was just smiled into his pillow and hoped she knew how much it meant to him.

 

Jyn stayed over the next day, and the next, while Cassian spent most of that time on the couch under several throw blankets, alternately napping and coughing up a lung. Because the universe hated him, his cold had apparently decided to kick it up a notch in the form of a low-grade fever and a wet, phlegmy cough that wouldn’t let up.

It made him self-conscious, when he was awake enough to care, and he kept bracing himself for a comment about the smoking that never came. Jyn just went about taking care of him without a word, and never acknowledged the cough except to plie him with cough drops and offer another spoonful of medicine every six hours.

He didn’t say it, but Cassian was impressed with her restraint. He knew he sounded pretty rough, and Jyn was probably biting the inside of her cheek the whole time, but she never said a word. He resolved to do something special for her after he was better, maybe in two weeks when she got back from Denmark.

Then on the third day, after taking his temperature and making him eat some dry toast for breakfast, she brought up seeing a doctor.

Cassian groaned until he coughed, slumping back on the pillows stacked under him on the sofa. The mere thought of calling and setting up an appointment then traveling across town to his doctor’s health center more than exhausted him.

“I’ll be better soon,” he muttered.

“It’s been three days.” She crossed her arms. “And it doesn’t have to be a hassle, we can just go to the free clinic down the street.”

“It isn’t necessary,” he said. “It’s just a cold.” By far the worst cold he’d had in recent memory, but still just a cold. Not enough for a doctor’s visit, right?

“Maybe.” Jyn wasn’t backing down.  “But I just want to make sure it’s not something more serious, especially with your history of–” She cut herself off and looked at the floor.

 _There it is._ “It’s been almost a year,” he said quietly.

She gave him a look that made it clear that didn’t matter to her. “Please,” she said. “It’ll make _me_ feel better, at least.”

He swallowed. It was really hard to say no to that.

So he let her drag him to the walk-in clinic, where he was examined by a bored-looking nurse practitioner. He muttered grudgingly honest answers about his smoking history, listened to the tired lecture about long-term effects and recommendation to “stick with it,” then rejoined Jyn the lobby with a prescription for extra-strength cough medicine.

She stood up, anxiously bouncing on her heels. “How did it go?”

“Nothing earth-shattering,” he snapped, and immediately regretted it. “It’s bronchitis.” He showed her the prescription slip. “We just have to get these, and I’ll be fine.”

She plucked the slip from his hand and folded it into her pocket. “You mean _I’ll_ get these. _You_ are going back to bed.”

He nodded and followed her back to the car. Lying down sounded like a good idea, the trip to the clinic having exhausted what little energy he had.

“Thank you,” he said as they got settled in the car.

“For what?”

“For taking care of me. I know it… can’t be easy.”

She sighed and pulled out of the parking lot. “You can thank me by resting and getting yourself better.”

He managed a half-smile and relaxed against the headrest. “Deal.”

 

He did his best to keep his word on that. Jyn had been so good, so caring throughout this entire thing– taking time off work, cooking him food, supplying him with medicine and blankets, it made him desperate to get better if only so she didn’t have to worry so much. Plus, he knew she had plans to fly to Denmark, and it would kill him to be the reason she refused to go.

But his lungs seemed to have other ideas. Two days after the clinic visit, he still felt like complete shit. He was still coughing in loud, painful fits, barely had the energy to walk across his apartment, and his chest ached mercilessly, bringing tears to his eyes whenever it spasmed.

Food, which he’d been able to force down pretty regularly until now, was utterly unappealing and he could only stomach a few spoonfuls of carrot ginger soup before he had to push it away.

Jyn didn’t press him, but the worry in her eyes only intensified as he basically collapsed into bed that night, having done almost nothing but sleep all day. Almost immediately, he fell into strange and confusing dreams that alternately had him shivering and sweating and feeling like he was breathing through three layers of fabric.

Eventually, he coughed himself awake, until he gagged and stumbled desperately to the bathroom, where the threw up bile and half-digested soup.

Jyn appeared behind him out of nowhere, rubbing his back and making soothing noises into his ear.

He gripped her arm when it was over, holding on as the room spun wildly around him. The cold tile under his knees seemed to seep into his bones and he shivered.

Her hand came up to cup his cheek and she made an anxious, sympathetic sound. “Cass, you’re burning up.”

That couldn’t be right. He was freezing.

“Come on.” She helped him up and he followed blindly, thinking he was being led back to bed, but instead of letting him lie down she held him upright, slipping shoes on his feet and sweaters over his head.

“Where–” he coughed and couldn’t finish the question. He wasn’t even sure what he meant to ask.

“The hospital.” She pressed a cold hand to his forehead again, brushing back the hair that was stuck to his forehead. “It’s been days and you’re not better, and you feel really hot.”

His heart pounded as fear began to set in- that this was something really serious, that all those years of smoking were coming back for him now, and they were going to kill him after all.

“Shh… shh.” Jyn held his forehead against her shoulder for a bit while he tried to steady himself. “It’s all right, Cass. It’s going to be okay.”

She repeated that over and over again, in a hushed, whispered tone that simultaneously scared and comforted him as they drove to Lakeshore General. She didn’t leave his side when they got there either, even when he had to be taken for a chest x-ray.

He was especially grateful for that, stressed and feverish and surrounded by medical personnel that treated him as if he was going to break.

She held his hand and nodded seriously when they were told he had pneumonia. A relatively mild case, thankfully, but present in both lungs. She took notes as the doctor talked about getting enough rest, staying warm, and keeping a humidifier in the room.

And he would have to thank her for all that as well, because he was so out of it he barely remembered the drive home, let alone crawling into bed again after taking a hit off a prescription inhaler. The medicine tasted awful and the bitterness lingered at the back of his throat, but after a bit he could feel some of the tightness in his chest start to give, and fell asleep more easily than he had in several days.

 

Time became meaningless to him after that. He would sleep, wake up coughing and either too hot or too cold, then sleep again. The first couple times he was in darkness, Jyn curled up on the bed next to him, but then he began to see grey light coming through the curtains and register the wind blowing outside. Jyn left at some point, but came back every time she heard him cough, helping him sit up to eat a couple spoonfuls of oatmeal, or toast, or soup.

Sometimes there was medicine as well, antibiotics or Tylenol or cough syrup, but at this point Cassian wasn’t convinced any of it was having an appreciable effect. He felt almost as awful as he had at the hospital– which was to say, like a slightly warmed-over corpse.

Besides the hellish cough and persistent congestion, his skin itched wherever it touched the sheets and getting comfortable was nearly impossible. To make matters worse, every muscle in his body was aching and sore, which made even rolling over an enormous effort. Getting up to use the bathroom was an ordeal that seemed to take hours and completely drained whatever energy he had. Showering seemed like a far-off concept, even though he knew he desperately needed it.

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this helpless, and as much as it frustrated him there was very little he could do about it, so for the most part sleep was a welcome escape.

But it didn’t keep him from overhearing Jyn on the phone with her father, and that she’d cancelled her trip to Denmark after all.

A small, selfish part of him was relieved. Not that he didn’t believe in his other friends’ capacity to care for him, but the thought of dealing with their concern and worry as they rotated in and out was exhausting– not to mention the multiplied guilt of being a burden on them. Jyn’s presence was more stable, and more comforting. He felt like he could truly relax around her, and he never had to hide what he was feeling.

But most of him anguished over the idea she’d called off a long-awaited trip to see her only remaining family, and his exhausted, feverish brain quickly led him down a spiral of guilt that always seemed to lead to that voice in the back of his mind– _it’s your own fault. If you hadn’t smoked for all those years, you wouldn’t be this sick_.

She refused to accept his apologies that evening and continued to fuss, but when she finally came to lie next to him she reached out and pulled him against her side. It was uncomfortable, because he was already so hot, but she held on so tightly that he let her.

He reached up to find her face. “Jyn, what’s wrong?”

“I’m fine.” She sounded like she might cry.

“I’ll be okay, you know.”

“I know.”

But he felt the tears falling down her face, wetting the tips of his fingers. His tongue itched to say something, anything, that could reassure her or make her feel better, but it was so hard to think through the feverish haze to find anything sufficient.

So he just let her hold him, although it was an effort not to cough on her, and his skin was burning against the warmth of her shirt. He hoped it would be enough.

 

* * *

 

Jyn woke up with a knot in her shoulder and almost groaned as she sat up to stretch it out. Cassian shifted beside her, but thankfully didn’t wake up. It seemed like he’d slept better last night, or maybe she was too exhausted to wake up to his coughing.

Her stomach growled and she trudged into the kitchen. She stared longingly at the fridge as she boiled water for tea, mouth watering at the thought of the eggs she’d bought last week. They’d sat untouched for days, as Cassian’s appetite faded and Jyn was afraid the smell of cooking them for herself would turn his stomach. But after a week of thin soup and plain oatmeal, she was craving something more substantial.

Cassian started coughing from the other room and she sighed, measuring out two bowls of oatmeal. She brought both back into the bedroom and sat next to him, propping him up on the headboard.

She handed him his portion. “Think you can finish it today?”

He shrugged.

“Are you feeling any better?”

Another shrug.

Maybe she should wait until he was more awake.

Two-thirds of the way through the bowl, his head dipped and she took it away before it spilled all over the duvet.

“Hey.” She caught his shoulders and eased him back down. “Are you doing okay?”

He coughed. “Tired of being tired.”

“I know.” She adjusted the blankets around him, not-so-subtly checking his temperature. Still quite warm, but not warmer than yesterday, she thought. It gave her a bit of hope– that the worst was over, and it was all uphill from here.

Her fingers brushed his sticky hair. “Do you think you’ll be up for a shower today? That might help you feel a little better.”

He nodded. “You, too.”

Jyn grimaced. Her face felt oily and her scalp was starting to itch, but every time she thought about it there seemed to be something more important to do. And there was an anxious, persistent fear in the back of her mind that if Cassian needed her while she was in the shower, she might not hear him.

Logically, she knew he’d probably be perfectly fine on his own for twenty minutes, but as she stood in the bathroom after doing the breakfast dishes, she just couldn’t bring herself to undress. She settled for scrubbing a washcloth over her face and shaking dry shampoo into her hair, then went back to the living room to see what kind of work she could get done while Cassian napped.

It was another thing she knew– she didn’t _have_ to keep taking days off work for this. If she tried, she’d be able to find people to drop in on Cassian during the day. But she doubted she’d get any work done at the office, and would probably bother Baze or Kay or whoever constantly for updates and reminders. So she might as well stay with him.

She worked on-and-off for the next couple of hours, in between getting Cassian his meds on time, helping him through coughing fits, heating up lunch, and coaxing him to eat. While the thermometer eventually confirmed that his temperature wasn’t up from yesterday, it hadn’t lowered as much as she’d hoped.

Accordingly, he seemed just as lethargic and miserable, but she still brought up showering towards the end of the afternoon.

“The steam will be good for you,” she said. “And I can change the sheets while you’re in there, so you’ll get a better rest.”

His lips actually twitched up. “That does sound nice,” he said, bracing himself on her arm to ease himself up. He leaned back and rested his eyes. “But I don’t think I can stand for that long.”

“You don’t have to.” She kept a hand on his shoulder to steady him. “Just sit under the water for a little while. Wash your hair, breathe in the steam.”

He was silent for a while, considering it behind tired eyes. “Okay.”

Jyn smiled and let out a breath of relief. “Okay. Okay, good. Are you ready now?”

He nodded.

“All right.” She came around the bed to help him up and they shuffled towards the bathroom. She sat him on the toilet lid while she turned the shower on, where he panted and gripped the edge of the sink to steady himself.

She left the fan off on purpose, so the room filled with steam as the water got hot.

“Try and take deep breaths,” she said as she helped him out of his clothes.

He nodded, but his first attempt threw him into a choked coughing fit, bent almost double over himself and spitting yellow mucus into a wad of toilet paper.

Heart racing and sorely tempted to bundle him back into bed, Jyn pushed through it and eased him into the shower. For a second, she considered undressing and squeezing in with him, although it would be a tight fit with both of them on the floor. Then the water seemed to wake him up a bit and he reached for the bottle of shampoo she brought down from the shelf.

“Think you’ll be okay?”

He nodded listlessly, ducking his head under the water to wet his hair.

“I’ll be right outside,” she said, but hesitated to leave.

He nodded.

“I’m leaving the door open, yell if you need anything.”

“Jyn, I’ll be fine.”

“Well, just in case.”

He grunted, which made her feel a little better. If he was awake enough to be crabby, he would be okay for a few minutes.

Still, she said, “I’ll be right back,” before hurrying back into the bedroom before she lost her nerve.

She wrinkled her nose at the smell of sweat and medicine and set about stripping the sheets and pillowcases. After thinking about it, she also changed the duvet cover. Then she remade the bed with fresh sheets– the expensive 400 thread count ones from Cassian’s mother. She’d just put the dirty linen in the washing machine when she heard the shower turn off.

 _Shit_. “Cass?”

Silence.

“Cass!”

After no answer the second time, she started to imagine the worst and nearly tripped over herself running back to the bathroom.  

“Cassian!” She found him kneeling on the floor of the shower, reaching unsteadily for the towel folded on the shelf over the toilet. “Oh my God.” She shook it out and draped it over him, rubbing his arms and head as he coughed into his lap. “I told you to yell if you needed me.”

He groaned. “Didn’t need you.”

Jyn pressed her lips together. “Let’s get you back to bed.”

They shuffled back into the bedroom, where Jyn made quick work of getting him into clean clothes, then tucking him into the freshly made bed. It helped her anxiety to see him relax immediately into the pillows, so much more comfortable than before.

“Don’t go to sleep yet,” she said. “You’re due for some antibiotics, and you should eat a little, too.”

A crease appeared between his brows. “Not hungry.”

“Just try.”

“Fine.” He shuffled up far enough to take the pills with a swallow of water, and watched while she left to heat up some soup.

Jyn tapped her foot impatiently while the microwave ran, hoping he didn’t fall asleep while he waited. Cassian hadn’t thrown up since the night they went to the hospital, but his stomach was far from reliable. He wouldn’t eat more than small quantities at a time, and nothing heavier than rice or broth. He already seemed so weak, and she was afraid the lack of food was making it worse.

The microwave dinged and she returned to the bedroom, nudging him out of a light doze. “Come on.” She held the spoon to his lips.

He turned his head away. “Don’t feel good.”

“I know.” Jyn put the spoon down and felt his forehead. Still too warm for her taste, but she didn’t want to give him more medicine on an empty stomach. “But just try a little bit.”

With some prodding, Cassian ate three spoonfuls of broth and vegetables before Jyn let him lie down. “Sorry.”

“For what?” She set the bowl aside and sat next to him, pulling the covers back up.

“Can’t eat anymore.”

“Oh, it’s okay.” She ran her fingers through his hair and bit the inside of her lip. “You’re sick.”

He sighed, which trailed off into coughing.

Jyn rubbed his back and stood up. “Get some sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

She paused by the door to the bathroom on her way out, but quickly put the thought aside again. She was too wired to shower, she wouldn’t be able to relax. So she went back to the living room and tried to keep working, if only to keep her mind off of worrying.

It didn’t work, of course. She found herself going back to the bedroom every time she heard Cassian move or cough. Which ended up being every 30 minutes or so, as his cough refused to settle.

Eventually, Jyn gave up working in the kitchen and took her laptop to the bedroom. She rubbed his back through each fit and tried to project an aura of calm, but as the hour drew closer to midnight, she couldn’t sit by and wait anymore.

“Maybe we should try some cough medicine.” It was prescription strength, with codeine. The doctor had said to go easy on it, but also that it might help him sleep. And right now he needed sleep more than anything.

“I hate that stuff,” he muttered, head rolling limply back on the pillow.

“I know.” Her eyelids felt sticky and her head heavy– and if she was tired, she couldn’t imagine how he felt. “But you need to get some rest tonight.”

He made a noise halfway between a whimper and a groan, and heart ached as she rose to get the medicine. His fever seemed under control and his chest not as tight, but she was under no illusion that it would be a quick recovery. The ED doctor had talked about the cough lasting weeks after the fever was gone, and fatigue even longer than that.

She stumbled into the bathroom and fumbled around for the right bottle. When she closed the medicine cabinet, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and quickly turned away. She looked like a ghost, pale with dark circles under her eyes, hair limp around her face, brushing the neck of her wrinkled sweater.

After pouring Cassian a rather generous dose of bright red cough syrup, she put her laptop aside and laid down next to him. She told herself she’d hold off a bit before sleeping, just in case, but her eyes fell closed almost immediately and she was asleep before she knew it.

 

_Water._

Jyn couldn’t remember the last time she’d been this thirsty. Slowly, wading through the fog that clouded her brain, she licked her lips, grimacing at the stickiness that coated the inside of her mouth.  

She forced her eyes open and squinted at the light coming through the blinds. _What time is it?_

She craned her neck to get a look at the clock and started. It was past noon– she’d slept for nearly twelve hours. Rubbing the grit out of her eyes, she threw back the covers and stumbled to her feet.

A glance at Cassian confirmed he was still dead asleep, snoring and drooling onto the pillow. She tiptoed around the bed to the door, careful not to wake him. As groggy as she felt after sleeping for most of the day, the more sleep he got, the better.

In the kitchen, she made a beeline for the coffee machine and slumped over the kitchen table to wait. She’d forgotten how exhausting worrying was. It had been years since she’d felt this drained… since…

She sat up suddenly, blinking tears out of her eyes and redirecting her thoughts. She couldn’t afford to go down that path, not now. She had to hold it together for Cassian.

Maybe she should check on him. Not to wake him, just to see that he was still comfortable. As much as that was possible.

Hands flat on the table, she prepared to push herself up, then nearly jumped out of her skin when there was a knock on the door.

Her heart pounded in her throat, head spinning. Who could that possibly be? Their friends would’ve texted before coming over. And she was pretty sure neither she nor Cassian had ordered anything recently.

The knock came again and she shook her head. It was probably some delivery person who had the wrong apartment.

She ran a hand through her hair, although it was probably hopeless, and went to the door preparing to tell them off, whoever it was. Just in case the state of her clothes and hair wasn’t enough.

Then she opened the door and staggered backwards in shock.

“Hello, Stardust.” Her father stood in the doorway, a brown paper bag from her favorite breakfast shop in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other, duffel bag on the floor by his feet.

For a second, she was speechless, not quite convinced this wasn’t a dream, then something inside her let go, and she was sobbing.

Somewhere in the distance, there was movement as Galen brought his things inside and closed the door, then his arms wrapped around her and she collapsed into his chest. His jacket was still cold from the outside, but his shoulder was solid against her forehead and his hands were warm, rubbing up and down her back as she held onto him like she’d never let go.

 

* * *

 

Something woke him up. He wasn’t sure what it was, but something dragged him back to wakefulness from the wonderful oblivion of sleep. He was mildly amazed he’d gotten to sleep at all, after coughing through the night until he was dizzy with exhaustion. But he was awake now, which meant he must’ve accomplished it eventually.

Maybe Jyn gave him meds. He certainly felt drugged, pinned to the bed by an invisible weight pressing down on his limbs. His head ached and he was thirsty, but the effort to move one arm even an inch off the mattress was monumental and he quickly gave up.

Then he heard the sound again and his head twitched. It sounded like… crying. Who was crying?

He frowned, eyes still closed, trying to beat away the thick haze clouding his thoughts.

The sound came again and his eyes snapped open. That’s why it woke him up. Jyn never cried loudly, but he knew the sound better than he should and it made his heart twist every time.

He had to get up. If Jyn was upset, he had to find her. He had to ask her what was wrong, and try to make it better.

Drawing on every reserve he had, he pushed himself up on his hands and struggled to free his legs from the three blankets Jyn had piled on top of him. But when he finally managed to get his feet on the floor, the cold of the hardwood seemed to penetrate his entire body, and his shoulders shook with chills. His head spun with the effort of balancing upright and he felt himself sway, black spots appearing at the edge of his vision. He squinted and tried to focus on the line of light coming from underneath the door, when it opened and two people burst into the room.

One of them was Jyn, who rushed forward and caught him just as he lost his balance.

“Oh my God, Cass.” She gently lowered him down and tucked the blankets around him again. “What are you doing? You could’ve hurt yourself.”

He grunted, breathing hard as his vision cleared. He tried to reach up to comfort her, but his hand barely brushed her shoulder. “Needed to see you.”

She caught his wrist. “Don’t worry about me. I’m right here.”

He relaxed at her touch, and she waited while he caught his breath.

“Are you hungry?” she said eventually. “I’ll make you some breakfast.”

Someone behind her cleared his throat and Cassian suddenly remembered they weren’t alone. He shifted to get a better look and visibly started when he realized it was her _father_. At least, he was pretty sure it was her father. He’d never seen the man in person.

For a few seconds, he could only stare in confusion, swallowing down the rising panic as he realized he had to meet Galen Erso for the first time while scruffy and bedridden, unable to sit up without nearly passing out.

Oddly, Galen didn’t seem fazed at all, looking for all the world like they were having a normal conversation. “Jyn, I believe our deal was that _I_ would make breakfast for Cassian, while you take a very long, very hot shower, then eat the breakfast burrito I brought you from Chalmun’s.”

Cassian squinted, trying to keep up. What deal? There was a deal?

Then Jyn’s stomach growled audibly and he realized what Galen was saying.

“Go on.” Cassian nudged her leg with all the force of a kitten. “I’m okay.”

She pursed her lips and glanced at her father, then back to him. “All right.”

Galen watched until the bathroom door closed behind her before turning back to Cassian. “I don’t suppose you’re tired of oatmeal yet?”

Cassian shrugged, shifting uncomfortably on the bed and avoiding eye contact.

“I’ll take that as a ‘not quite.’” Galen nodded easily and left for the kitchen, leaving Cassian to wonder how on Earth he’d survive this without dying of embarrassment.

 

While he was alone, Cassian set about rearranging the pillows behind him in an approximation of the way Jyn did it. It wouldn’t do to spill oatmeal all over himself when Galen came back, and he hoped it would make him feel just a little better about the overall situation.

In the end, he got himself halfway to sitting before he gave up. The effort left him panting and tempted to roll off the construction and lie flat again, but he settled for letting his head fall back onto the headboard and his eyes slide closed. Although they snapped open again as soon as he heard Galen’s feet near the door to the bedroom.

To Cassian’s mild surprise, he carried two bowls of oatmeal and actually sat in a chair next to the bed that Jyn had pulled up at some point.

Cassian took the bowl and cleared his throat. “Uh, you don’t have to–”

Galen waved his hand. “Nonsense. It’s what I’d be having for breakfast anyway, and I’m sure you’re better conversation than my ferrets.”

“Oh… okay.” He turned away to cough, then tucked into the oatmeal with as much energy as he could manage.

For a little while, neither spoke, until Jyn emerged from the bathroom in fresh clothes and behind a cloud of steam. She glanced suspiciously between them, as if wondering whether they could really be left alone together.

“Your breakfast is on the kitchen counter,” Galen said. “Take your time and enjoy it, we’re fine here.”

She nodded and seemed to believe him, but spared one more skeptical glance over her shoulder before leaving.

Cassian bit his lip and wondered if he should break the silence. To prove to Jyn he and her father could get along. Too tired to be more creative, he asked the first question that came to mind. “So… how was your flight?”

“How is any flight?” Galen quipped.

Cassian barely caught a surprised laugh, although the hitch in his chest was enough to start him coughing again.

Galen waited patiently until he finished, then elaborated. “I don’t know if you know, but Jyn called me the other day to cancel her visit. And I thought– why am I making _her_ fly halfway across the world to see me? I’m on sabbatical, which basically means I can do whatever I want,” he winked, “and my grad student taught me how to use AirBnB so I just decided to get on a plane.”

“It’s very nice of you.” Cassian smiled into his oatmeal. He was still finding it difficult to make eye contact, but he had to admit Galen’s chatter was helping him relax.

Galen continued. “But of course the only flight to Montreal on short order included a four-hour layover in Reykjavík, and I remembered why Jyn usually comes to me.” He huffed dramatically and adjusted his shirt. “I wonder– is there an area of research devoted entirely to making those airport waiting areas as uncomfortable as possible?”

Cassian found himself grinning again, lips parting in surprise as his spoon scraped the bottom of the bowl. He couldn’t remember the last time he was able to finish anything. Galen didn’t comment, just took the empty dish and waited patiently as Cassian shuffled under the covers again. He felt almost uncomfortably full, his stomach empty for so long, and sleepy, like he needed a nap to process all the calories.

But before he fully relaxed, Galen held up the thermometer. “I believe it would set Jyn’s mind at ease if you take your temperature before you go to sleep.”

Cassian couldn’t argue with that, and held the metal under his tongue until it beeped. “100.5.”

“I hope that’s an improvement on yesterday?”

Cassian felt himself flush. He hadn’t been keeping track. “…I’m not actually sure. I think so. It feels like an improvement.”

Of course, improvement was a relative term, he thought as he tried to take a deep breath and ended up coughing into his pillow. Behind him, he heard Galen stand and clear the breakfast dishes.

It occurred to Cassian to thank him, but as the bedside lamp went off his eyes fell closed and he was asleep.

 

He woke up alone again, feeling properly rested for the first time in a while. He let himself savor it, coming slowly back to consciousness while lying perfectly still. It was snowing, white flakes drifting gently down outside the window. But he was warm, tucked in bed with the pillows somehow arranged perfectly around his head and shoulders.

He took as deep a breath as he could manage and rolled onto his back. His eyes felt wide open and his mind was clear. He allowed himself a little bit of hope that the meds were finally working, and the end was in sight.

He heard a faint noise in the hallway and hoped it was Jyn, so he could tell her the good news, maybe see some of the worry start to ease from her shoulders. But the door opened it and was her father, carrying a tray with more soup and crackers.

“I’m glad to see you awake.”

Slowly, Cassian pushed himself up. He was disappointed to find that his arms still shook a bit, but he could take the bowl from Galen and hold it steady on his knees.

“Potato leek,” Galen said as he took Jyn’s usual seat. “I thought you might be tired of chicken noodle.”

Cassian smiled. “A little.” He stirred it a bit, releasing a pleasant cloud of steam into his face. “Where’s Jyn?”

“I sent her out,” Galen said. “I thought she might need the fresh air.”

“Thank you.” Cassian ate a tentative spoonful of soup, suddenly aware of how hungry he was and glad Galen had chosen something richer this time.

He ate in silence for a little while, but Galen didn’t leave, like he had something to say.

Cassian waited, unsure of where this conversation was going and half afraid to find out. He had no idea what Galen knew about him, or how much Jyn had told him about their relationship.

“I was glad to hear you two were back together.”

Cassian blinked. “Really?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because…” Whatever Jyn had told her father about him, Cassian hadn’t imagined it to be particularly complimentary. He shrugged. “I don’t know. Our first relationship was… rocky.”

Galen nodded. “So I heard— in its essentials. But you were together for months despite your unfortunate habit, so I knew there must’ve been some hope for you.”

Cassian swallowed. _Unfortunate habit_ , indeed. “I quit, you know.”

“I figured as much.”

“And I promised to tell her if I ever… screwed up.”

“A promise you’ve kept so far, I trust.” Galen threw him a not-so-subtle side-eye.

“Yes, of course.”

“Not that I’m one to pass judgment on your lifestyle choices,” Galen said. “But you know it would break Jyn’s heart.”

“I know.” It was something that motivated him now, whenever he felt tempted. The thought of admitting to Jyn that he’d fallen off the wagon was nearly always enough to make him turn the other way.

“So it seems to me that you’ve both recognized your mistakes.” Galen paused. “And I know that she missed you.”

“I missed her, too.” Cassian finished the last of his soup, wondering again how Galen managed to do that.

“Which is why it’s good that you’re figuring it out.” Galen stood and gathered the dishes. “I don’t believe Jyn will be back for a while, so we are left to our own devices for the time being.”

There was a pause, until Cassian realized Galen was waiting for him to say something. “I think I want to take a shower.”

“Very well,” Galen said as he left. “Take care not to fall and give yourself a concussion. I don’t believe anyone’s nerves could handle it.”

Cassian managed a weak laugh, but actually did take care as he pushed the covers back and swung his legs over the side of the bed. His toes curled on the hardwood floor, but he relished the feeling. Although his balance was okay sitting up, standing made him a little lightheaded and he moved carefully to the bathroom, leaning on the sink to get his balance again. He could feel his burst of energy rapidly waning, but with his mind finally clear, he was determined to make the most of it.

In the end, he managed to trim some of the more unruly parts of his facial hair and spend a decent amount of time in a steaming-hot shower before his legs started to shake. Galen’s comment about a concussion still fresh in his mind, he turned off the water and dried off as quickly as he could before stumbling back into the bedroom and pulling out clean clothes.

He couldn’t hold back a sigh of relief as he sat down on the bed again, and briefly debated just crawling under the covers and going back to sleep.

 _No._ He shook his head and planted his hands beside him. He was tired of sleeping. He was tired of being in the damn bed, tired of the damn _room_. With another breath to brace himself, he walked to the door and stepped tentatively into the hallway.

Immediately, his skin prickled at the change in temperature. He hadn’t realized how much warmer Jyn had been keeping the bedroom for him. But the desire for a change of scenery was strong enough to carry him into the kitchen, where Galen was seated at the table with a mug of tea and a newspaper. A real-life, physical newspaper. Cassian didn’t know you could still get those.

“Ah.” Galen closed the newspaper with a flourish. “Good to see you up and about. If you’re looking for your computer, you should know I’m under strict instructions to keep you from doing any work.”

Cassian blinked in surprise, then almost laughed because of _course_ Jyn thought of that. He shook his head. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Naturally.” Galen glanced out the window, where a light dusting of snow was building up on the windowsill. “Of course, you are also not permitted outside, which rather limits your options.”

Cassian sighed, and leaned against the doorframe to cough. He should probably sit down soon, and the couch looked a lot more comfortable than the kitchen table. It was just so _pathetic_ – he was finally out of bed and starting to feel like something close to a functioning human being, only to be confined to the couch because he was still too sick to really do anything.

Then Galen stood up and walked past him into the living room, bending over the bookshelf in the corner. “Now Cassian,” he said. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe I saw a cribbage set somewhere around here.”

“Yeah.” Cassian followed him, fully aware this was a ploy to get him to rest but too tired to care, and settled himself on the couch.

“It must be yours,” Galen said. “I tried to teach Jyn to play when she was young, but as soon as she realized the pins were for something as boring as keeping score, it was difficult to hold her attention.”

Cassian chuckled. “That sounds about right.”

Galen found the board and held it up. “Do you feel up for a game or two? I’m meeting an old friend for dinner this evening, but there’s still some time before Jyn returns.”

Cassian grinned and leaned forward, marveling at how Galen had found the perfect activity to dust the cobwebs from his mind. “Of course.”

 

* * *

 

Jyn self-consciously eased open the door to the apartment. She’d stayed out later than she meant to– her father had probably left by now, she only hoped Cassian was doing okay. He seemed to be improving this morning, but she didn’t want to get her hopes up quite yet.

Although the living room lights were dimmed, the TV was on, playing the ending credits of _Amélie_. Cassian was on the sofa, curled up along the length but awake.

He offered her a sleepy smile. “Welcome home.”

Her lips twitched up despite herself and she kicked off her shoes, coming to kneel next to his head. “Hey.” She brushed his hair back a bit, trying to get a sense of his temperature. “How was your day?” Still a touch warm, but much better than before.

“Well I made it all the way here.” He gestured to the living room. “So pretty exciting.”

“Very exciting.”

“How was yours?”

She smiled. “Good. Relaxing.”

“What did you do?”

“Walked up Mont Royal with Chirrut, then window shopped downtown for a while.”

“Sounds fun.” He shifted up a bit. “I’m glad you could get out today.”

“Me, too.” Jyn glanced away. She honestly felt so much better after getting out of the apartment and some normal interaction with Chirrut, but found it hard to push away the guilt that she had to leave him. “But I’m glad I’m back now.” She nudged his shoulders and slid onto the couch so his head could rest on her lap.

“What did you and Chirrut talk about?”

She shrugged. “Random stuff. Work, what’s going on at his studio. He’s expanding his classes to include beginner’s Tai Chi. Apparently it’s the new thing.”

“That’s cool.”

“It is.” Jyn felt him sigh and relax more heavily into her. “Are you sure you’re awake enough to hear about it?”

“Absolutely.”

It didn’t sound like it, but Jyn decided to humor him anyway. She was only halfway through her story when she heard him softly snoring, but didn’t have the heart to disturb him.

Against her will, she found herself drifting off too, the stress of the past week draining from her body, the last of her angst worked out on the mont. Her father was a Godsend, she wasn’t sure how she’d ever repay him. Certainly something more generous than the fruit basket she had delivered to his office every year on his birthday.

She nearly laughed, imagining Cassian’s face if he heard that was her plan. He was always better at that kind of thing.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” she whispered, even though he couldn’t hear her. “I love you so much.”

**Author's Note:**

> The end!!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading/comments/kudos <33 I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, the last semester got to me a little bit :/
> 
> But I'm still around!! And my tumblr queue never sleeps :P if you're ever interested in rebelcaptain art or cat pics or grad school rants -- find me as always as [cats-and-metersticks](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/)


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